um yea, I just made this with no help. all from scratch besides the veggies. breaded chicken, with my own spice mix, home-made smashed potatoes, steam cooked veggies, and I made banana but bread for desert. seriously, I’m on an effing role. slowly learning how to cook. #cooking #dinner #proud #food #delicious #iMadeThisByMyself #Chicken #SmashedPotatoes #Veggies #HomeMade #FamilyDinner
this shit has been on replay non stop since we got it last week. #Eminem #ComeBack #Epic #History #RapGod #Literally #Love #WhiteBoyWithSwag.
well. I cut my hair a few days ago.
new hair. new person.
in native culture when someone does, you cut your hair. well. the addict in me that couldn’t get her shit together is dying. I’ll always be an addict, but I’m in control. #Finally #NativeCulture #NewHair #ShortHair #BrownKidSwag #Addict #RecoveringAddict. #DeadAndGone.
the past 72 hours, i have proven that i can do all this, i don’t need those little RX bottles anymore, not that i ever did.
i’m not judging anyone by any means, because i never thought that i could ever be clean for more than 2 days.
my past is a scary little shadow that will always be two steps behind me, but that’s the thing…i am FINALLY ahead of this disease. and too the people who tell addicts that it ISN’T a disease, and that you should be able to quit if you “really” want it…i laugh in their faces because they have no idea the shoes i’ve been in, the childhood i had, the awful, and i mean AWFUL 8 year saga i went through with a very manipulative and abusive BOY, and i emphasize BOY, so there isn’t any reason someone should lecture about the shit they have never had to endure, seen, faced…and ultimitley has broken them into a million pieces.
now i’m not justifying the mess i made my life, but there’s a very deeper lining to everything i had to see. and i’m also not saying that life isn’t hard, but when you grow up with a family member[s] who INSISTS that you don’t tell a soul what goes on inside your house, or any family members house. where crying is far to permitted. where your elders can make fun of you. where they can degrade you on any level they choose to do so.
i wish i never picked up a bottle at 12, and a joint at 13. i wish i never, ever, with all my heart, took that pill right before chem when i was 16. i wish i knew how to deal with emotions. but my worst one is the feeling of love. my doubt of if it even does exist. a pure love.
put that all aside, it has shaped me into the person i am. yea, it took a while for me to get here. and those RX destroyed me, because I LET THEM. NOT JUST because i didn’t have a family that poured out love to me they way the could have. it’s not just that i stayed with an insecure boy, who made me 10 times more insecure then he ever was. it’s because i KEPT doing it to numb that feeling of love, insecurities, scared, controlled, when in reality that it all bit me 10 times harder then i even know could.
with the events that have unfolded, i normally would have gotten so high, i’d fly away and die. because normally, that’s what it always came to…seeing “how high” i could get before i’d see those pearly gates. i loved walking that fine line. clearly unhealthy, and i did it for way too long…
but i’m here, fighting this disease like hell, because i want my life back. i HAVE NOT been this sober since i was 10.
so yes, you live by words of NA…”just for today.”
you fight like hell.
fight those demons until they’re more scared of you because they now know YOU’RE just as strong…and eventually STRONGER then any kind of demon.
we all have bad days, and i KNOW that this wont be a cake walk.
but being sober isn’t as scary as i thought it’d be.
i can do this. 9 years ago, i’d tell you i could handle shit. and that’s what most people think of me as. but i hid behind a very cold wall, and was just an insecure and lost girl.
9 years later, i can and am handling shit, the right way. sober.
and that’s why i am going to do this;
for me, and NOT anyone else.
until next time ladies and gents.
re-reading @vinnyguadagnino’s #anxietybook, #ControlTheCrazy #GreatBook #Helpful. 📖💙 #FistPumpIt✊
my two #BabyGirls who make me complete. #doggys #hope #kitty #kitten #sophia #pets #love. 💜🐾💚
day in and day out.
you don’t understand the struggle.
some days you love life;
others you can’t get out of bed and just want to cry.
you look at old photos,
and that’s all they are…old photos.
you realize the people in the picture are gone.
hurtful words and actions tore it apart,
even though the photo isn’t physically ripped,
it’s virtually in shreds.
pointing fingers doesn’t help…
even though it’s easier to blame those people in that picture for your hurt, hate, and disparity.
how did the hearts of the people fill with hate and anger for each other.
those smiles now bring tears.
the happy days are gone.
the promises are empty.
so you just lay in bed, wondering how it got this far.
how some can own up, and others can’t.
how mistakes are what make forgiveness unforgivable.
you shut your eyes and all you can see are those happy faces;
then you’re mind goes racing to every single moment that was good.
you forget the bad, and want that person back.
mistakes are made every day, and they don’t get it.
you can’t help the sadness.
you can’t help the tears.
all you can do is not to make the mistake again of looking at old photos.
because now, it’s one of those days that you just hurt so bad,
and you’re bed is the only thing that can comfort you.
then you realize…
this bed has memories.
the good times, late nights, and laying in each other’s arms.
feeling like nothing could break those two people.
that nothing in the world could touch them.
mistakes are made every day.
just hold onto that body pillow.
today’s mistakes are tomorrow’s lesson.
old photos are just that…
old photos with old people.